Two Steps for Dealing with Critics
- laceyproffitt
- Jan 14, 2020
- 5 min read
We all face them whether we're famous or not. Those people who have an opinion about the things we do with our lives.
Here's the truth: they are entitled to their own opinions and those opinions can include how you live your life.
It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but they are entitled, as human beings with their own brains, to have their own opinions about anything - politics, religion, your life, their lives, others' lives, you name it. They are entitled to formulate their own opinions.
So how do we handle these situations when people decide to share their opinions with us and we disagree?
Number 1: I choose to love them regardless of their opinions.
Love is a choice we make every day. Whether its our partner, a parent or sibling, a neighbor, or a stranger, we choose to feel love toward them or to not feel love. This love, which I believe is the greatest love of all, is based on what the ancient Greeks refer to as "agape." According to Wikipedia it is "a universal, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance. It goes beyond just the emotions to the extent of seeking the best for others." I choose to love others and seek the best for them regardless of circumstances (or insert "regardless of opinions" here). Or I try to. I'm not always perfect, but that is the goal I strive for and try to bring myself back to when things get heated.
Number 2: I understand that their opinion is only relevant in their world and doesn't have to spill over into mine.
Remember that phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? The same concept applies here. It is only our thoughts about the words or actions of someone else that allows their words or actions to cause any feeling in us.
Don't believe me? Think about getting flowers or chocolates or some really sweet gift on Valentine's day. I bet you're thinking you'd be feeling loved. You'd be receiving a token or feeling of love from that person. How romantic!
But what if those roses were from someone who was stalking you? Would you have the same feeling of "love" as a result of getting the gift? Probably not! It's the same circumstance but you have two different interpretations of the event. Your thoughts generate either feelings of love about receiving the gift or feelings of fear/disgust/fill in the blank.
I would guess that most of us associate "approval" and "love" as emotions we RECEIVE from others while in reality those are just feelings we feel and generate all on our own based on the thoughts we choose.
It's the same way with other people's opinions or criticisms. They are just words spoken out there into the abyss. We can choose to think negatively about ourselves after hearing their opinions OR we can choose to let them experience their own opinions independently and not absorb their opinions into our minds.
What do you make the opinions mean?
There may be times that seeking someone's approval is worthwhile - for instance, in a job setting. We want the boss to think we're doing quality work, right? I want my clients to feel like I'm giving them something of value. That's how we keep our jobs! But what happens when you believe you gave it your highest quality effort but the boss came back telling you it was trash? What do you make that mean? What do you make it mean about yourself? Do you equate the opinion of your work with your worth, resulting in a belief that you, too, are trash? Or do you receive the comment as feedback and a chance to learn and grow?
What if your family wanted you to become a "successful" doctor and you'd rather be "successful" in the restaurant industry or be a fashion designer? If they disapprove of your dreams or your income, what do you make that mean about you? Do you crumple into a heap and feel worthless and unsuccessful or do you realize that you have different definitions of success and different goals in life?
Just like your boss, your family is entitled to have their own opinions and you don't have to agree with them. They can share their opinions all day long without it affecting your opinion of yourself AND you can still choose to love them even if you disagree with them.
This is probably an area I will struggle with my entire life because my closest loved ones are the ones who have and share the most opinions about my life....and we disagree greatly about how my life should be run. Haha! But I've learned to ask myself why their opinion matters. The answer? It really doesn't. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but really, my opinion of my life is all that matters. Looking from the outside, we have very different opinions about what "success" means and how to define a "fulfilled life." And that's okay! Each of us was put on this earth with different talents and abilities and interests so that we can do our part to serve the whole in our unique way.
When opinions are shared by persons who love me, I simply take those opinions as notes of their desire for me to live a good life while understanding that their definition of a "good life" may be different from my own. While different, each definition is still valid. I can log those opinions into the dataset of options I make decisions from, but ultimately, I will be responsible for making those decisions.
When opinions are shared by those who don't particularly have an affinity for me but shared in a constructive way, I simply take those opinions as notes about potential areas for improvement and log them into the decision-making dataset. Removing myself from the situation and being an outside observer helps me see areas where they might have a point and I can improve my business and quality of my work.
When opinions are shared by those who don't have an affinity for me and they are not constructive words, I just let those pass on by. No logging into the dataset for them.
In all cases, I choose to love each individual.
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