A 12-Step Program for Self-Kindness

I don't know about you but sometimes I can get bogged down in self-degrading thoughts and behaviors if I'm not careful. Thinking I'm not good enough, berating myself for making mistakes (how dare I be human, after all!), letting others' thoughts define my life instead of my own thoughts, etc. Yes, even coaches struggle and need coaching!

Today I came across a coaching tool infographic from The Coaching Tools Company titled "12 Courageous Ways to Be Kind to Yourself" which I would like to share here along with my thoughts. Due to the length, I'll break this up into three posts. That means you'll get four steps to put into practice each week over the next three weeks. Let's jump on in.

Step 1. Be BOLD - live your life your way!

Once you reach adulthood, for the most part you are the only one that has a say in how you live your life. You get to make choices in how you go about living life. Are they good choices? Do you waste choices by not taking action?

"But I'm a parent and my kids rule my life." Do they? Or do you make choices to put your kids first? I can think of many examples - just watch the news - of parents whose kids don't rule their lives and who don't make choices to put the needs of their kids first. And I personally know tons of parents whose kids don't rule their lives and who DO make choices to put the needs of their kids first. Do your kids rule your life or are you just making the choice to be a responsible parent and take care of them?

Feel free to insert spouse, boss, friends, family, whatever in the place of "kids" if that doesn't apply. The point is that it's up to you to live your life boldly - don't use others as an excuse.

Does that mean you have free reign to do whatever you want and run over anyone who gets in your path of boldness? Sure! But every choice you make has a consequence so don't forget to factor those into your decisions.

Step 2. Remember - your flaws give you style and personality!

When I first read this I thought of character flaws and disagreed with the direction this was going. I'm pretty sure that if you're an habitual liar, you might want to work on that and not declare it as your personal style and flair. But after further reflection, I think this is meaning our physical flaws or those things about our bodies that we pick over. I wish my hair was different, I wish my body shape was different, I wish I was more muscular, I wish my nose was bigger or smaller or shorter or more narrow, I wish I didn't have freckles, I wish I DID have freckles, I have the worst genetic make-up ever.....

But having a crooked nose, a scar on your leg, or dark hair instead of light hair, or in my case, that one eye that doesn't happy-squint quite as much as the other eye in pictures....these are the types of "flaws" that make you unique and make you "you." Embrace these unique attributes and don't sweat trying to be "perfect" because "perfect" is a moving target in our world today.

This step could also mean your personality "flaws" or "weaknesses," too. We all operate differently and we each excel in different areas. I really like the Gallup CliftonStrengths test because it will give your top five strengths out of 34 different strength possibilities. The concept is based on everyone using their natural strengths to move forward as opposed to forcing people to focus on their weaknesses, as was the trend for many years prior to the 1980s/1990s. It makes so much sense that we could all be more effective if we took our gifts, talents, strengths and found ways to utilize them to best advantage. From there we can find those with different strengths to partner with to create well-rounded teams where everyone is content and productive.

Your "flaws" and "weaknesses" paint the picture of who you are. None of us is perfect, if such a thing truly exists. We are each created with our own sets of strengths, weaknesses, and battles to face in life. Let those be a part of your unique story.

Step 3. Ask yourself daily - what do I need to thrive today?

Thrive. To prosper, flourish.

What do you need in your arsenal to thrive today?

I think the easy answer for many is "money" - gimme some money and I'll thrive all day long. A better house, a better car, better clothes, better job.....these are all physical things that can be lost in a second. Think about all those folks who had a house fire or car crash or flooding and all their stuff was ruined. Do you think they felt like they were thriving in those circumstances?

I'd like to challenge you to think about what you need in your day in order to thrive on the inside. What kind of attitude do you need to prosper in your life? What does "prosper" mean to you? It doesn't have to mean money. For some it can mean an abundance of fulfilling relationships or freedom. Define what it means to you to prosper and flourish and thrive. Think of those folks in your life that you believe to be flourishing, prospering and thriving. What is different about them? What kind of attitude(s) do they exhibit?

Think about and imitate these behaviors and watch your own life begin to thrive.

4. Your feelings are signals, listen to them - always!

This is tough. Sometimes I really hate "feelings" (just the negative ones at any rate). One of the biggest challenges in my life is actually paying attention to the feelings I'm experiencing and understanding the thoughts that are causing those feelings.

Wait. What?

Yes, the thoughts we choose to believe are what generate our feelings. And sometimes those feelings that I hate can highlight some very interesting thoughts that I have about the world or my life. Those thoughts are entirely optional. I get to choose what I want to believe or not believe about the world and those in it.

But many times when I reflect on these uncomfortable feelings and dig down to "why" I'm feeling that way, I uncover thoughts about myself such as low self-worth, fear, and shame (not good enough). And these thoughts about myself need to be dealt with. When I discover these negative thoughts, I can then develop new thoughts to replace them which will create the feelings and actions I want to have in my life.

So while these uncomfortable feelings are....uncomfortable, they can teach us valuable lessons when we listen to them.

---

So how will you incorporate these steps into your life this week? I challenge you to write down these four steps and start each day with a thought download.

1. Write down ways you can be Bold today.

2. Think about your body and personality "flaws" and start changing them into "unique attributes" by transforming your thoughts. Or take the CliftonStrengths test to discover your unique strength combination.

3. Write down what you need to thrive today.

4. And schedule in some time to think about the feelings and thoughts that are driving your day and whether they are productive or not.

Let me know how you're getting along in the comments or by sending me an email. I'd love to hear from you.

As always, if you would like to be coached on these or other topics, don't hesitate to sign up for a free 30-minute consultation on my Services page.